Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Writing and Whining

It's been about a month since I've last updated. I've been postponing another entry until I got back from Romania, maybe after Orthodox Easter, and then after D.C. Maybe I would just put it off for another couple of months, eh? No. I'll tell you now.

I'm going out of town at a time when: 1) Things are blooming in my village - the trees, the youth, the sun, our motivation; 2) I was getting so tired of hearing myself complaining about rain, uncertainty, and spending too much time in the capital. I was just about overdosed on laying in my bed and catching up on movie watching. I was tired of writing, believe it or not, because it had so consumed my time - which I'm glad for because I love it and it was a great comfort...but it's time for other things. Let me rephrase. I wasn't tired of writing, I was tired of writing about the same things.

I had been whining. That's what it comes down to. And now everything is ripe and I'm going to enjoy myself in Romania and then prance around America. I'll give my family some heartfelt hugs and then I will come back to Moldova and will be propelled into action. That happens. Sometimes you get so disgusted, angry, excited, or nervous that when the door opens, you sprint forward at unstoppable speeds. Reverse motivation. The last sling-shot propelled me a good twenty months or so. It's gotten me to Moldova for goodness sakes. So the next one should carry me through.

I feel...liberated. And quite grateful to those who heard me complaining for the last few months.

When it comes down to the faith of the matter: I have unquestionable faith that you end up where you're supposed to end up (even if you spend "too much" time here or there). The random decisions I've been making within this little country have brought spontaneous and beautiful surprises. There are things that we will never know. But when it's time for you to know, you'll know. And knowing THAT is a comfort. Of course I mean this in the first person. I forgot that. I ha been so built up on defining my theory that I didn't trust it or live it.

And there's a difference between guilt and shame. No shame. No, sir. You can take responsibility without being a cynic. Optimism still reigns!

I burned my tongue on tea (twice). I can't wait until I can bathe in the summer shower. I love natural honey (who knew there were so many colors?).

I am capable. I don't want my service here to be filled with fabricated exaggerations about my community successes. Most importantly, I will be honest with myself and I will be surprised.

And, yes, I am frequently thinking about what I want to do next. Not that there's a rush to decide. I won't even pretend to decide. And even if I did, it would change. It's just an example of my excitement.