Sunday, June 22, 2008

Sunday's Sudden Want

I don't know what it was about today. It was a while in the making, but perhaps the cool lazy breeze on this rainless summer day was the catalyst. Perhaps it was the lack of desire to get on a bus and realizing instead that what I wanted more than anything...what I couldn't stop picturing in my head...was that California back yard on a summer afternoon, with my easle set up under the shade of the walnut tree and a cool glass of water in my hand, a paintbrush in the other. I wanted to be painting. I wanted to be outside. And I wanted to be in a comfortable, home-like setting - someplace I knew where all I would think of was the canvas in front of me, the stroke of the brush, the mood, the world I was painting. It wasn't so much that I didn't want to be in Moldova. It had nothing to do with wanting to leave. I just wanted to have that same feeling with me - and I didn't. It was the strength of that wanting and the subsequent disappointment that surprised me. I know that I can't paint on my bedroom wall anymore, but I wanted to. I wanted a big, limitless canvas. And I wanted it immediately. I bought some paints instead, plus a handful of brushes and some paper. And I will paint soon and I will love it.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Sweets and Sweating

May 26, 2008

I came back to the village last evening since leaving for the States 18 days earlier. I noticed that the roads were bordered by lush green trees and vines overflowing into the roads and I smiled at the semi-rainforest-like appearance. But the biggest excitement was seeing my house, surrounded by natural, fresh greenery. Walkways are smaller as the plant-life reaches out in all directions. Our front door is almost blocked from street-view and when I look to the East I can no longer look directly at the primaria because natural curtains have sprung up animatedly. It’s the speed of this lush development that surprises me, but it’s the natural aesthetics that excite me. I’m living in my own little rain-sprung forest in the middle of Eastern Europe.

I haven’t unpacked yet. It’s almost noon. I slept around fourteen hours last night, trying to catch up from a month of evaporated sleep time.

June 10, 2008

I just picked fresh red strawberries from the garden, washed them and ate them. That was after walking forty-five minutes from the main road where the minibus dropped me off. Which I can do now because it’s still light at 6 p.m.! In fact, it’s light until ten. Which is just lovely. I love Spring! The stress of traveling is reduced considerably by the extended presence of daylight. The ability, as well, to stay over night somewhere (rather than being on “lockdown” as in for the first three months) also makes travel less stressful. But those are two different, if related points, because one implies being able to travel to and from somewhere within the same day and the other involves being able to take my time and stay longer. And I treasure having a choice between the two.

My nails have never grown this quickly and I’ve never had so many split ends – due to the lack of conditioner use probably, considering the less frequent washing makes it unnecessary. “Just condition the tips,” they tell me. Still, the irony: less frequent washing + less frequent hair dryer use = more split ends?

This week we’re officially starting the “I’ll lead classes in exchange for your community involvement” stuff. To be specific: an English class and an aerobics class. The benefit? All are welcome because they’ll be helping out and “demonstrating responsibility.” Yes, I am going to lead an English group. Yes, even though I said I was done teaching English. But I am okay with it since it will only run as long as the community activities keep getting done. Example: this week, after the aerobics group, we’re going to clean up outside of the center for twenty minutes or so. One week we’ll clean up the park, the mayor’s office, the elderly center. Another week each participant will bring a piece of clothing or a toy as payment and we’ll distribute the collection to needy families. This was my condition. And so far, it’s being met with great interest – as long as the “bait” classes are catching attention. English classes tend to do that, so there you have it. In addition, I’ll use the English classes as “project-related seminar-like” time, meaning I’ll teach vocabulary that’s necessary for grant proposal writing and tourism and daily communication. Thus, I’ll use this as an outlet to get some other unofficial trainings in the mix.

Out of all months that have passed – nine now – June has snuck up the most sneakily. I know that has much to do with my significant absence from the village during May, but that time was still filled with goings on and events…hence the speed, probably.

I don’t want to talk about my time in the States, and don’t ask me why because I don’t know. The only possible answer I’ll give you is that I’m tired of talking about it. But I can say wholeheartedly, with neither doubt nor obligation, that I love my family more than ever. And that includes every so-and-so’s wife or cousin or brother. I don’t, however, get tired of saying that the only cultural “shock” was having to remind myself that I could put the paper INTO the toilet…and then subsequently reminding myself NOT to when I got back. That’s what buckets are for. That’s not “shock,” though, just habit-breaking.

Life and work are starting to pick up as summer comes a-callin’ – as everyone said they would. But even as I start taking on more responsibility I still enjoy the free time. I don’t want the high-paced 12-hour work days, 7 days per week. It was a hard adjustment to make from busy to slow, but I rather like it now. It’s probably going to make the reverse transition even more frustrating, but I don’t plan on jumping into a working world anytime soon anyway.

I want to re-iterate my much abused articulation that I love when things get decided for us, when we stress and worry about decisions that tend to work themselves out. And what I love is that it doesn’t only happen for me (of course it doesn’t), but I LOVE that it is also obvious to others. It is a relief to me; it sustains faith and trust in how things work. It’s not blind faith, it’s visible blessings. I’m not talking about things that go “wrong,” although that has its own process of “rightness,” but I’m talking about when you know deep down in your gut that the right decision was made FOR you (or sometimes in conjunction with your choices). No, not when some peer or boss was trying to decide your life for you; I mean the complete opposite. It’s a gentle nudge in the right direction. We don’t always see how we affect other people, but I believe (and I witness!) that when we make the best, most honest and most true-to-heart decisions, they ripple onto others in the most beautiful of ways.

Unfortunately, this weird half-language life we live makes most of us passive aggressive. I don’t like saying “no” to the girls who want me to teach them English. They’ll pay me, they say. They want to work in tourism. They want to find a good, legitimate job. I don’t want to teach them from scratch. First, I don’t really know how. Secondly, I can’t possibly teach everyone that asks (and that’s five now) so how do you say “yes” to some and “no” to others? Slippery slope reasoning tends to come from some rational fear. The trick is having a reaction that’s more rational than the reasoning. Maybe if I teach you English, you can teach me Russian? We also don’t want to offend anyone. But talking to my host mother about some of the interpersonal occurrences that have plagued some volunteers, I see that such things are not “normal” here either, even if they are more frequent.

Here I am fully acknowledging that Saying-No-To-Too-Much-Work was a highlighted issue in my American life, too…as it is for many of us. But language and “cultural sensitivity” combined with wanting to feel useful all tend to exacerbate the dilemma.

I went back and read some of the letters and emails I’ve written to individuals. I think those, more so than my public journaling, will be quite monumental to read when I look back on this in a few years. They’re not necessarily filled with award-winning philosophy or writing, but with experiences that I catalogued in more detail, with more candid reactions.

Blisters, by the way, can eat my feet alive but they’ve got nothing on me! Wearing glasses in the rain, however, is not my favorite thing to do. Although I’ve found that since traveling through rain last summer with broken rolling luggage, I don’t mind being in the rain – as long as I’m not 1) wearing glasses because then I can’t see 2) cold or 3) ruining anything valuable, but seeing as I’m low on that category of belongings…

Besides, when you walk for half an hour in a DOWNPOUR you get to enjoy the “stare at the crazy Americans” faces and the warm clothes you change into. Coming home to someone eating the majority of your remaining PRECIOUS dark chocolate covered almonds, however, is NOT one of my favorite things.

This season is already starting to test my “I’d rather be hot than cold” theory. See, I could always roll down the windows of my air-conditioning-less car, but in Moldova, I’m not always allowed to do that. (You’ll get sick.) And even if I am, the windows don’t reach the back of the bus. There are only the driver’s window and (sometimes) the front passenger window. Think of the lack of window opening as the still prominent “don’t go outside with your hair wet or you’ll catch a cold” idea. It’s deep rooted and much abided by, but scientifically unfounded. The result is Samantha sitting in a minibus with sweat dripping down the side of her face and landing on her shirt, fogged-up glasses sliding continuously down her face. But I still don’t like being cold. And I don’t mind sweating as long as I’m not in fancy clothes. I’ll just keep my hair off my neck, where my contacts, and dress in less clothing.

And I have a camera again! Hoorah and thank you! So hopefully I will be able to share more visuals-that-aren’t-displayed-through-figurative-writing. Here’s to extended daylight, fresh fruit, and being able to go outside in shorts!